On Languishing, Growth, & Wonder

I’ve started to feel a bit stagnant as of late, like life is sort of happening around me instead of me engaging with it; like I’m less the protagonist and more a spectator of my own life. It’s not a sense of depression or sadness that I’ve felt in the past, but more a feeling that my life has been on autopilot. I suppose in a word; languishing. 

I first remember hearing of this concept during the Covid Pandemic, where time seemed to have stood still and flew by all at the same time. Where each day (for me, anyway) sort of felt like a repeat of the last until suddenly I was back where I started, only one year on. Indeed, time will always march on, but what about us? Do we march on? Or do we simply muddle through? It’s a conscious decision to live your life with intent – one that we must make every single day, and I guess lately I’ve felt I’m slipping in that regard. 

At the same time I don’t want to get swept up in notions of constant self-improvement (auf Deutsch, der “Selbstoptimierungszwang” – there truly is a beautiful German word for every feeling out there, haha). While languishing may be a less than ideal state to be in, I don’t believe in doing things for the sake of doing them. Whatever we do (or don’t do), we should strive to be cognizant of the underlying intentions behind our actions, even if those intentions are sometimes hedonistic. After all, a full life is one lived with purpose, not action. 

So what, then, is the antidote to languishing? I suppose in another word; wonder. To me, wonder is the sense of not knowing, but wanting to know. It’s curiosity in its purest form. Wonder is yearning for knowledge not to prove a point, but simply for the sake of understanding. With wonder there is no end goal. Rather the process of learning & understanding is the goal. 

And maybe that’s just what I’ve been lacking as of late. I was quite intentional with how I lived the previous decade of my life, but I haven’t honestly given much thought to what I want this decade to look like. I suppose I thought (like I’m sure many of us did), that by 30 I’d have it all figured out. Turns out the older you get, the more you realize nobody really knows what we’re doing after all. In many ways I think that’s plenty okay and liberating. I’ve never been one to have a plan set in stone, and I like to remain open to whatever comes my way. But maybe I’ve become a bit too open. 

There were (and still are) a great many things I was curious about and wanted to experience in my 20s. And I did. I satisfied that sense of wonder through purposeful action. Perhaps that’s the difference, then. Back then I wondered and engaged with it. Whereas now I only wonder and don’t engage with it, or don’t wonder at all. Then again, I also know I sometimes put myself under lots of unnecessary pressure back then because I felt there were certain things I needed to experience. I sometimes let the Selbstoptimierungszwang get the best of me. 

I guess what I’m trying to say in all this is that I’m learning it’s a fine line balancing between mindless growth, maintaining a sense of wonder, & simply coasting through life. While we certainly dabble in all three, only one of them keeps us grounded & intentional. So, wherever you are in your life journey, I hope your life is plenty WONDERful! (see what I did there?? Bwahahahaha I can’t help myself) 

Much love, 

Gnardaddy